Hi There!!!

My daughter has just been diagnosed with Aspergers syndrome, it has taken me nearly 7 years to be given the correct diagnoses so many blood tests, mri scan, psychologists, speech therapy, occupational therapy, and numerous visits from her peaditrician and involved with school nurse, and many more, I really believed they would never find nothing and be stuck with a misleading name of Global delay, now we know what she has, i need to know how to cope with my daughters aggresive tantrums and behaviour and how i can help her emotionally, understanding whats happening to her, everything i try to explain to her she just says no to everything like she really dont know what im on about, when she is in an aggresive tantrum i dont know how to deal with her, it tires me out physically as well as emotionally can anybody help me!

Hi Rachel, welcome to the forum! It sounds as though having obtained a positive diagnosis at leasts allows you to now focus on a known entity.

No doubt you're not alone in experiencing 'meltdown' with your aspergers child. Irrespective of their age, it can be an exhausting experience mentally and physically.

It can also impart an added layer of confusion for parents of children with aspergers, as the trigger or underlying cause for tantrums or aggressive behavior may not always be apparent.

There are a lot of resources which advocate talking through the tantrums in age appropriate terms and setting guidelines for behavior. This is good advice, but is probably going to be useless to you whilst your child is in the throes of a full blown 'dummy spit'.

A meltdown is an example of your child losing control in response to an environmental or emotional situation.

The way the meltdown is exhibited can vary, with adults and children generally reacting differently. Children are less bound by social constraints and so are more prone to shouting, crying, screaming, or resorting to hitting, kicking or other types of violent behavior.

So where does that leave you in terms of what to do? The reality may be that sometimes there won't be a lot you can do once a meltdown has started, and there are some strategies for pre-emptive prevention of meltdowns. But if one has already started, stay as calm as you can during the meltdown. I know, its easy to say and hard to do. But your child can still take cues from you and may even be looking to evoke a reaction. This can sometimes be hard as tantrums are often more likely to occur in pressure situaions, such as in the morning during the routine before school or work, or when out in public. Try not to let your concept of others expectations to sway your focus from helping the meltdown run its course. Work will forvive you for being 10 minutes late, the people passing you in the street are people you'll probably never see again, and I can't remember much of anything I learned thoughout 17 years of education...chances are being 15 minutes late on any given day won't dramatically impact your child. ie. try to stay calm.

When speaking to your child during a tantrum, keep your voice as even as possible, and try to be direct in your communication. Try and avoid pleading, but if you can engage your child try to get to the real root of the problem.

If not, it may be a case of waiting the tantrum out. Once the fatigue brought on by the meltdown subsides, this is likely to be your best opportunity to discuss how inappropriate the behavior is. It sounds like your child is at least 7 years of age, and should be able to understand the reasoning behind why that type of behavior is unreasonable, and the consequences it has on those around them. In particular, reinforce the fact that physical violence is never acceptable.

When your child is calm, discuss putting in ques that you can agree to use during or prior to a tantrum to let them know they are acting inappropriately. This can help prevent anxiety or tention escalating during a tantrum. It could be a catch phrase, it could include touching them on the head, it just depends on how your child reacts to verbal or physical cues normally.

It would help to know a little more about your cihld specifically, but certainly there must be others perusing the forum who have had similar experiences to offer by way of comparison.

Great advice by the admin.
I have very similar problems, and it does seem that aspies have an inate ability to find the worst possible time to meltdown and lash out.
It makes them appear very purposefully manipulative and can really place you between what feels like a rock and a hard place.
The public reaction can be devestating to your moral.
This may be, in part, why this children go so far over the top in the most stresssful possible situation. They feed off your stress over their behavior.
Please know that I am not blaming you. I recently had to have my child removed from my school bus (I drive) because he was assaulting me. I wouldn't let him have his gameboy because he had screamed at one of his teachers and been suspended from school.
We were basically engaged in a power struggle - never a good idea with an aspie - but like you say, he was "OK I stopped yelling, I'm being good, now give me what I want."
Ah-hem....I don't think so.
Anywho, My friend and I both had to literally carry this child, kicking and screaming, across the school parking lot to her car in front of the entire school body. Teachers, students, everybody.
Now, I COULD have just let him have his gameboy, and honestly if my friend hadn't been there I probably would have had to because there is no way I could safely drive 70 kids home with him pulling my hair and kicking my seat!
Thing is, I didn't yell or in anyway return his threats in kind, I was blessed to be able to remove him from the ability to basically blackmail me into submission. Anger is very normal and almost unavoidable in these situations, but it will get you nowhere. Aspies do not respond (positively) to intimidation, not really. Best you could hope for would be they might shut down, withdraw...best only because they would at least be quiet then, lol.
The goal is for them to learn social and coping skills...and in the case of acting out in violence, my goal was to teach my son that hitting me (or anyone)is a zero tolerence behavior. You WILL be prevented from doing that! Good luck.